Feb 23, 2008

Stanford football goes Hollywood

By John Reid / Daily News Staff Writer

Stanford's first day of spring football has been pushed up to winter, starting this Tuesday. The Daily News has discovered stunning inside information that Cardinal coach Jim Harbaugh could possibly be part of a conspiracy with the Academy Awards ceremony, which is Sunday night in Hollywood.
Recently, the Daily News found a discarded pre-spring football speech written in Harbaugh's handwriting. On it were inscribed these four words: "There Will Be Blood." Yes, Harbaugh, never one to pass up a good vow, vows that spring football will be "No Country for Old Men."

He wants good actors on and off the field for Stanford is no place for an "American Gangster." This spring, Harbaugh plans to give his team "The Bourne Ultimatum." After a 4-8 season in his first year, Harbaugh is laying down the law, "Once" and for all, and it's about time.
Harbaugh's first point of order was to have his players get their hair cut short by "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street." That should toughen them up, and, perhaps, make them more fleet of foot.

True, the Cardinal shocked the collegiate football world last season with a 24-23 defeat of 41-point favorite USC. Then it got back The Axe after a half-decade absence with a 20-13 win over Cal at Stanford Stadium. But Harbaugh is on record he wants to make "Atonement" for his club's shoddy defeats against Arizona State, UCLA, Oregon State, Washington State and Notre Dame. Who can blame him for that? Talk about "Sicko."

A new recruiting class should help Harbaugh's team turn into "The Savages" in 2008. Stanford was able to lure "Michael Clayton," a 235-pound beast of a linebacker from Pembroke Pines, Fla. And then there's Tommy Lee Jones, a speedy running back from Beach City, Texas, who could make a bid for a starting tailback spot. When Jones gets the ball, he's "Gone Baby Gone" more often than not. Unfortunately, Harbaugh wasn't able to sway Joel and Ethan Coen, bookend twin tackles from Signal Hill who wanted to be recruited as a packaged set.

On the recruiting front, Harbaugh pledges to travel "Across the Universe," even as far as "Persepolis" to find quality football players. Why last November, he flew to "Juno" Alaska to see a 6-foot-6 tight end play. Then he quickly had to catch the "3:10 to Yuma" to see a strong safety in a state playoff game. Good thing Harbaugh carries around "The Golden Compass" so he knows which direction he is headed at all times. Unfortunately, Harbaugh occasionally gets confused, sometimes taking a "Taxi to the Dark Side."
Traveling is a major factor in Harbaugh's life for he just got married to the former Sarah Feuerborn on Jan. 5. He really hates being "Away From Her." But if Harbaugh is to build a winning football program at Stanford, it will be well worth it.
The Cardinal expects the 2008 season is an "Enchanted" one. "Ratatouille," you say? Well, don't be surprised if Harbaugh makes "Transformers" out of his troops this spring. New co-defensive coordinator Ron Lynn plans on using a new technique for stunts, using "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly." Don't worry. The butterflies used will not be harmed. Anyway, as long as "I'm Not There" to see it, it's OK with me.

There could be "No End in Sight" as to where Lynn's new ideas will take this Cardinal team. Can't blame Lynn for wanting to "Raise It Up," taking his defense "Into the Wild."
Stanford's defense should be its strong suit this fall. Opposing offenses will often think Stanford has "12" men on the field. After every takeaway, Lynn wants his defense to do the "War/Dance" right then and there. Lynn will have his defense singing the "Happy Working Song," it will be so much fun. Just don't expect the Cardinal to fight "Charlie Wilson's War." That's too much to ask of anyone. Let Wilson fight his own war.

Halftime entertainment has even been tweaked for next season. Stanford marketing has already contracted to have "The Kite Runner," with his assortment of kites, perform at halftime. Apparently, the singing duo "Lars and the Real Girl" and diva "Madame Tutli-Putli" were too expensive.
Doesn't matter for Harbaugh, who will implement another motto when the Pac-10 season starts at home on Aug. 28 vs. Oregon State. No, it's not "August Rush." It's "La Vie en Rose."

Translated, it means, "Which way to the Rose Bowl?"



E-mail John Reid at jreid@dailynewsgroup.com.